For a hurting heart
In my darkest moments, the thing that has pulled me out was remembering that suffering is a part of what it means to be alive.
Last month, a student in my Lifestyle Design class told me that the way I show up makes people feel less alone.
If I go down in history for having helped someone know that they are not isolated --
If I can get to the end of my life knowing that I served as a reminder that we are all connected to every other human being in the Universe across all space and time --
I think I will have done my job.
Dr. Kristen Neff, a self-compassion researcher, shares that there are three elements of self-compassion:
1. Self-Kindness (vs self-judgment)
2. Common Humanity (vs isolation)
3. Mindfulness (vs over-identification)
On common humanity, she writes:
"Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes. All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable [...]. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone."
Even when it feels like it’s just happening to us, problems and challenges are a shared part of the human experience.
Acknowledging that hardship is a part of what it means to be alive allows us to move on from resistance into acceptance.
In moments of hardship and grief I affirm:
1. There's is absolutely nothing "wrong" with me. There's wrong with what's happening in my life. I am having this experience because this is a part of the human experience. It may not feel good to grieve, but it is not dysfunctional. Heartache is a natural and normal part of what it means to be alive.
2. Every single one of us has valleys and mountains. Instead of judging myself for being in the valley sometimes, I choose to be kind to myself as I pull myself up.
3. The kindest thing I can do in this moment is breathe.
5 things you can do to soothe a hurting heart:
1. Listen to music that younger you loved. Music is a portal and can serve as a time-travel machine. If this now moment feels too heavy to bear, let yourself be transported to a time that hurt less. Music is a healthy distraction that can support us in raising our vibration without effort.
2. Cry it out. When we cry, we release stress hormones and allow our body to return to a state of homeostasis. Crying is a healthy, natural and normal way to process grief, and it provides many supportive benefits to help us soothe emotional pain. Create opportunities where you can express your sadness externally, without holding back.
3. Find plant allies that may be supportive to you. Schedule a consultation with an herbalist, or do your own research. There are so many plants that can support your emotional health. Some of my favorite plants to work with during grief episodes are lemon balm, damiana, cinnamon, ginger, cannabis, peppermint, and rose.
4. Tell somebody. Expressing your emotions has powerful psychological benefits. Talking about your hardships helps you get clarity on your experience and it supports you in being more resilient to future stressors.
5. Treat your broken heart like an injury. Sadness is an emotional wound that needs care and attention in order to heal. Let the healing process happen at its own pace. Don't put pressure on yourself to "get over it," and don't pretend to be more okay than you actually are. Be kind to yourself. Seek the care and rest you need.
On Tuesday, April 19 at 8 PM ET I'm hosting "Growing through Grief." I'll be sharing ways to endure and alchemize your grief experience, so it can move you forward on your spiritual path. Tickets here.